A Bunch of Poetry

Churning stomach
Let sleeping dogs lie

 

---

 

It was a lust of the heart
not the eyes or
actions underneath bed sheets

 

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Rainy Day Journal

I have no muse to speak of. I’ve used every last bit of it writing and just this one journal is draining me past empty. For once, I don’t want to be the one writing and telling the story, I want to be the one the story is about. I want to be the main character in a story where in the end everything works out. But as the book ends, life still continues to move; it doesn’t end simply because the book is over. Like a never ending series with each installment picking up where the last left off.

I want to lean back and allow somebody to write my story, at least just for the time being.

In the last couple days my craving and obsession of apples has been slowly returning with an angry tone. It’s all I’ve really ate this week. But an apple a day only creates false hope. There is no keeping the doctor away.

I love when you can smell the in coming rain before it even begins to drizzle. I love the soft patter and pang of rain drops falling on the ground and rooftops. It’s a sound and a feeling I could get lost in and live in.

---

With the satisfaction

Of their action

Never mind the crowd’s reaction

A kick in the shin

Young girl laughs at her sin.

---

I am the Owl

I am the one who sits and waits
Sleeps through the day and the haze
I am bright, large eyes forever scanning the darkened sky
I am standing ears perked to hear even the most subtle movement
I am sharp talons clenched tight around a meal
I am great feathery wings, out reached to soar among the gods
I am the world
I am life and death
I am the unknown
I am what is to be known
I am the owl.

---

adventure

today i went on an adventure
i lost myself
in a way i hadn’t in so long
sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself
i wandered the forest behind the dike across the street from my house
a little stream runs there
branching out from a large creek
it was still frozen from the iowan winter
but several weeks ago
most of the snow had melted
and it rained for a whole weekend
equalling in the flooding of the stream and creek
and ultimately the forest as well
but this being iowa
the weather quickly turned cold again
and the flooded forest froze
leaving a nice layer of ice
in some spots its paper thin
in others it’s a few inches thick
i threaded lightly at first
worried about disturbing the beautiful layers of ice
but it was unavoidable
the stream, also still frozen, glistened in the sun
i was tempted to walk across it
follow it to the mouth of the creek
and if i was lucky
i’d fall through and maybe drown
or become deathly ill and die
but that would be such a horrible way to go
instead i sat on a log and peered at the broken ice
i realized i had broken so much beauty
the ice was reflecting what i felt inside
broken
all at once, all my stress and worries hit my shoulders
weighed down on me
i was drowning with plenty of air in my lungs
and no water to sink in
i looked at the ice
ran a fingertip along the sharp broken edges
i thought about bring it to my skin
a release
but i didn’t
i couldn’t bring myself to
in anger, i threw the ice chunk
it hit the frozen stream and shattered
into a million glistening and glittering pieces
like diamonds or crystals
it felt so good
i picked up another
and threw that one
and another and another
i threw and threw and threw shards of ice
each shattering
i felt a release
i felt the weight disappearing
i started to name each chuck i threw
naming it after something that stressed me
or made me feel like shit
or made me mad, sad
i did this for almost an hour
until i felt free
i took the beautiful ice that i had broken
broke it more
and turned it into something more beautiful than before
there is beauty in chaos
and chaos in beauty
i walked along the stream until i came to the creek
then i walked along the creek until my mind was silent
not a worry
not a care
just me and nature
nothing else mattered
nothing else existed


i found the fight that i thought i had lost
i got lost
physically and mentally
and i found myself again
i was reminded that i am creating myself
and it is a never ending journey
the path maybe, and will, change
but this is perfectly fine
sometimes you have to get lost to find yourself
sometimes you have to break beauty to become more beautiful

---

Sans Merci

Why does the
beautiful lady have no thanks,
give no thanks?
Was she scared long ago,
in a love of her life
who left one night?
Perhaps her eyes were opened
one day to the truth and reality
of the cold, cruel world.
Did she try her hardest,
but her best wasn’t enough,
never reaching new heights?
Or maybe she is without thanks,
doesn’t give thanks because,
she herself is thanks.

---

madly

i want to fall
madly in love with
you
each and every day
with each breath
and word and thought
with each heart beat
and blink and touch
with each hour
and minute and second
i want to fall
madly in love with
you
more and more

---

Shoulder Kisses

I want nothing more than to be in bed next to you
Wrapped up, cocooned safely under the blankets
We’ll drift off our eyes locked
Telling stories to bring a smile to each other’s face
I’ll wake from a dream
My eyes flutter open
Still not quite aware of the world
I’ll turn over to face you again
You’re deeply asleep
Hopefully happily dreaming
I’ll watch you silently
Gaze and bask in your perfection
My index finger will lift to your temple and trace the outline of your face ever so tenderly
My finger will swoop down your jaw line and stop at your chin
I’ll rest my fingers on your lips before I delicately press mine to yours as to not wake you
A soft sigh will fall from my lips as I roll back over and inch my body closer to yours
They match perfectly
A frolicsome smirk will curl to your lips as you lean in to plant them on the exposed bare skin of my shoulders where my sweater slipped off
A mischievous grin of my own will appear when you wrap an arm around my waist
And together we’ll drift back into our dreams
There’s nothing I want more
But this too
Is all just a dream

---

You make me alive

You spark the muse inside

---

whiskey & tea

i tried drinking tea
but without whiskey
it was meaningless

my nerves were still on edge
and my shirt sleeve twisted in a bunch
wrung by fumbling fingers
my lips still raw
from licking and biting teeth
i still craved the deadly warmth of a cigarette
that’s one vice i’ll still indulge

i tried drinking tea
but without whiskey
it was meaningless

my body still ached
sore from years of disuse, distrust, and malignancy
my eyes still glazed with unknowning
my skin numb and pallid
my mind still lost
retracing the same path, tripping on the same snares
on the verge of insanity

i tried loving again
but without you
it was meaningless

---

hypocrite

i am a hypocrite
i wear a ring on my thumb everyday
it tells me to be the change i wish to see in the world
but how can i change the world when i cant even change myself?

---

   

texas

come to texas
the winds whispered
     and pushed
your soul lives
and thrives in
     kansas city
but come to texas
     take a risk
          take a chance
               come to texas
like the prophet claimed
and the moon sang
it’s a long path
     but a longer journey
the doubts sail in
make dock, set up camp
but the winds of confidence
push them back
    held at bay
come to texas
     will i
          must i
               go to texas

---

What If

What if i built you a
Home
Stone by stone
What if i built you a
Boat
Plank by plank
What if i grew you a
Garden
Flower by flower
What if i grew you a
Forest
Tree by tree
What if i wrote you a
Song
Line by line
What if i wrote you a
Book
Page by page
What if i loved
You
Heart beat by heart beat

---

I am the calm

Before the storm

I am the week

Before you were born

---

you

you’re like the soft hum of a fan
you’re like the laugh of an old man
you’re like the dew on a fresh spring morning
you’re like the rumbling thunder’s warning
you’re like the city lights on a rainy road you’re like the playful leap of a scared toad
you’re like the clicking of a woman’s heels
you’re like the the artist who paints while he kneels
you’re like the ocean spray on a windy day
you’re like the earth’s summer sun kissed clay
you’re like the the dust dancing in sunlight
you’re like the glistening stars on a cold clear night
you’re like all the subtle things,
always seen,
rarely enjoyed.
you’re like all the subtle things,
that i see,
and love.

---

The Blues

The Blues call your name
Get lost in their voice
In the piano
In the bass
Drown, drown, let yourself drown
It’ll be tranquil
And their melancholy voices will keep you afloat
Teether you to the earth
They’ll make you feel alive
The music through your veins
Pulsing on the brain
Your foot will tap
Your body sway
The Blues call your name
You know you want to crawl to the mother
Give in today, answer the call
Let yourself drown
Get lost, get lost
The Blues call your name
Will you let it engulf you
Keep you safe
Out of harm
Keep your lungs moving
Your heart dancing
Crawl back to the mother
Give yourself wholly
The Blues call your name
Let it sink in, let it begin
Answer the call
The Blues are calling your name

---

It's Funny

It’s funny
How what we think we will hate
Actually becomes what we love
Our favorite
What we look forward to
And the things we loved
How we push them aside
Forget
Neglect
Move on
Life is unexpected
We never know what or who
Will appear and when
It’s funny
How hopes and dreams can become reality
How hate can become a love
And how love can become a fading ghost of a memory

---

february night

i stepped out
into the cold night air
not a breeze
the tiniest orange sliver
of the moon peeking from bare trees
an owl hooing softly
searching for some company
i told him i’d join him
sit by his side
high above on an old thin branch
we’d gaze into the clear night sky
pure wonderment at the glistening stars
the constellations all telling a story
it was like heaven in the middle of february
i lit a cigarette
brought it slowly to my chapped lips
it was peaceful and silent
the night was still
and the owl hooed
smoke filled heaving lungs
my eyes glazed at the stars
somehow you were on my mind
yet again
like you always are
exhale a stream of steam
breathe out to the sky
the orange moon beckoning
the stars whispering my name
hollow footsteps on an empty road
no cars in sight
just the cold february night

---

 

I’m no pants McGee.
My hair is something inhabited by a wallaby.
I drink my Sprite right out of the two liter.
Honestly, I couldn’t be much neater

 

---

 

My bones are tired. My skin is cold. To warm covers I cuddle up. My mind is empty. My eye lids are heavy. To the dream world I march off.

 

---

 

Stop it heart, just stop it- it’s not us and it never will be.

Stop singing happily whenever eyes see him- he doesn’t see us back.

Stop getting excited when ever mind thinks about him- we’ll never cross his mind.

Stop dancing whenever ears hear his voice- he doesn’t speak to us anymore.

Heart, just stop- stop what you are meant to do, stop feeling for someone who feels nothing for us.

 

---

 

I want to be brave and speak what I have to say, but the little voice in my brain whispers wait for another day.

 

---

 

Cause the World to Bleed

Cause the World to Bleed.
Slowly rising the apathy;
drown in a pool
of self pity and doubt.
Reach your hand out
to grasp life’s sympathy.

Find instead a rope.
Long and slender,
dangling from the air;
wrap your fingers around
and hope to land on ground.
For soon you will surrender.

Cause the World to Bleed.
Lifting you out of
your sea of hopeless despair.
All you ever wanted,
was all that was ever haunted;
Who knew you would fall in love.

Just by a chance,
you met the one,
who you would spend you life with.
Watch as the dove soars by,
a sure blessing of your love in the sky;
The Gods won’t shun.

Cause the World to Bleed.
A new pleasure,
a new day, a new hope.
Simply losing yourself in him,
your life is never dim.
You feel a happiness beyond measure.

Thought out your life,
you’ve hoped that someday,
you would find true happiness.
Rather that you found affinity,
willing to last longer than infinity.
No, it’s not just a cliché.

Cause the World to Bleed.
Hope is what gives me wings,
to take flight;
But his love,
is what keeps me on this earth.
Causes the World to Bleed.

 

---

 

Gunpoint

Let's create some havoc, some chaos.
Let's bring a little anarchy to the party.
Let's smash and burn and destroy everything in sight.
Let's live like we're free.
Let's take the world at gunpoint.

Let's take the fire of man, just to burn all of his creations to the ground.
Let's create a new world order.
Let's take the land and the water and the air.
Let's take it for our own.
Let's take the world at gunpoint.

Let's be free to be who we want to be, when we want to be.
Let's be able to achieve all that we can.
Let's have reign over our own religion and our sexuality and our race.
Let's live in peace.
Let's take the world at gunpoint.

Let's never let anything get in our way of reaching our vision, no matter what.
Let's live like we should.
Let's not hate and ignore and discriminate.
Let's be.
Let's take the world at gunpoint.

Let's create some havoc, some chaos.
Let's bring a little anarchy to the party.
Let's smash and burn and destroy everything in sight.
Let's live like we're free.
Let's take the world at gunpoint.

---

 

Abstract Convictions

I can't make the words leap from my lips.
They're on my mind all the time,
but never on the tongue.

A knight in his code and psyche.
He could never be outdone
Whilst floating beyond solitude.

Dawn's rosy tips are spreading quickly,
just like the girl in a vacant mood.
Aware of a state of indifference.

An empty soul with an empty mind.
They gleam in all their brilliance,
but you know better do you not.

Words passing through another heart,
being more than distraught.
Such abstract convictions.

 

---

 

Does

Does the whole world stop for you?
Just one moment.
Just one sunset.
Just one smile.
The moment when your eyes meet.
Does the whole world stop for you?

Will it stop for me too?
As I laugh.
As I cry.
As I carry on.
When everything is building up.
Will it stop for me?

Don't you know it all goes on?
You're not so special.
You're not the one.
You're not going far.
Because you're not on their mind all the time.
Don't you know it all goes on?

How could you think such thoughts?
In another world maybe.
In another time no.
In another life yes.
I'll spell out the words down the column.
How could you think such thoughts?

The world doesn't stop for you.
It keeps on spinning.
Death is tragic.
But so is life.

 

---

 

Battle for the Masses

It was not just a mind set,
It was an illness.
The villagers all spoke,
As if she was sick and dying.

It was a battle for her immortal soul.
But what is it, exactly,
That makes her soul immortal?
Or anyone else's for that fact.

Why did her love or loyalty matter?
Are there not millions of others
In this world to follow Him?
She was not so special.

It was not her duty to worship
The unseen things in the world.
It was her duty to make it
Through this life she lived.

There was no Promised Land
At the end for her.
She liked this land,
Much better than any other.

Their words meant nothing,
Just empty threats and promises,
With nothing, no proof,
To back the words up.

Her head always reeled
With counters to the sermons.
One little fact she knew not to be true.
Just another thing she did not believe.

There were cultures long before them,
They had beliefs too.
Why were they wrong,
And why was this right?

Maybe none of it was right.
Maybe they were all wrong,
Believing lies passed down from time,
For there was no truth ever known.

Her immortal soul,
Was just a battle.
A battle for power,
A battle for the masses.

 

---

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Double Standards are Alive and Well

Boys will be boys is a common phrase. But I have never heard girls will be girls. The suffrage movement of the early 1900’s and the women’s rights, alongside the Civil Rights movement of the 1960’s and it’s revival in the 1980’s are commonly believed to be dead. But feminism is still alive and well today, still fighting tooth and nail for equality between the sexes. No, feminists are not bra burning, men hating women with unshaven bodies; that, my dear readers, is called a stereotype. It is true, as with all stereotypes, there are some bra burning, men hating women who don’t shave, but that does not mean it is true of all feminists. Because, here’s a juicy little secret, if you believe in or support equality between men and women, you are in fact a feminist. Simple as that. Despite the advance and great strides women’s rights movements and organizations have achieved, there are still many double standards between the sexs. Of course, the biggest double standard is in the department of sexuality. However, pay gaps and the glass ceiling still exist and most insurance companies pay for erectile dysfunction medication but not for the majority of reproductive or contraceptive medication available.

 

Sex. It’s often a taboo in American society. Especially if you are a woman, unless that is, when it comes to advertising. Another common phrase is sex sells. Yes, you do see a few men in ads wearing nothing but boxers with an undeniable bulge. But this is much rarer than a woman in her underwear or sexily clad, showing off a new product or rolling around on a beach eating a sandwich larger than her mouth.. Of course, the media with its high standards and equal representation of every body type, these women look like the models of Victoria’s Secret.

 

When it comes to sex and women, women just can’t win. If a woman likes sex and has a lot of sex, she is seen as a whore or a slut. Yet men who like sex and have a lot of sex are placed on a pedestal and seen as a stud. But if a woman doesn’t like or want sex she is considered frigid. Men are encouraged to lose their virginity as soon as possible, while women are supposed to be “pure” and hold on to their virginity for as long as possible. Often, women are shunned into silence about their sexual lives, their body and what they do with it in bed is a huge taboo.

 

With age difference, women can’t win either. If a woman is with a man that is younger than her, she is a “cougar”, while this isn’t exactly an insult, there are certain connotations with the term that puts it in a negative light. On the other hand, if a woman is with a man that is older, especially as the age difference increases, she is a gold digger.

 

Boys will be boys is an excuse for boys and men alike. The phrase has never been used in order to justify the actions and thoughts of women. Recently the boys will be boys excuse was used in the Steubenville, Ohio rape case. Due to the fact that high school boys were members of a beloved football team, they were held to a different standard and protected by the community after gang raping and assaulting an intoxicated teenage girl.

 

There is a saying that has recently been appearing on feminist websites and blogs to bring attention to the double standards between men and women. The best thing a woman can ever be is a woman; the worst thing a man can ever be called is a woman.

 

What we need to do is to teach our boys and girls that women and men are equal and should be treated as such. We need them to understand that having a certain body part doesn’t make you any less or any greater of a person. We need to teach our boys and men not to rape instead of teach our girls and women not to get raped. Feminism is not a dirty word. Everyone should be a feminist. To the men who say they are not a feminist, explain to your mothers, sisters, wives, daughters, and every woman in your life why you do not support equal rights for them. And to the women who say they are not feminist, do you not like equal pay, or the right to vote, or hold property, or not be treated as property? Because if a woman says she is not a feminist, that is exactly what she is saying.

 

Just like racism, there will never be no sexism, but we can take steps to become closer to an equal sex world. Banishing and abolishing double standards that are still prevalent in today’s society would be a large step in the right direction.

 

Forever Young and Depressed

“Our Generation has had no Great war, no Great Depression. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives.” - Chuck Palahniuk, freelance journalist and author of Fight Club.

 

Here are some scary statistics: a teenager commits suicide every 100 minutes.

Suicide is the third leading cause of death in youth ages 15-24 and the sixth leading cause for children ages 5-14. Over 19% of high school students have seriously thought about committing suicide, 14.5% have actually made plans to commit suicide, while 1 in 12 teens have attempted suicide. Almost a million teens have thought of suicide during an episode of depression. Approximately 20% of teens experience depression before reaching adulthood. Among them, only 30% are treated, leaving 70% to deal with the illness on their own.

 

Most people, including teens, have days where they are not themselves; they feel down without a reason. For people suffering from depression, these feelings can last for years. Some believe that when you are depressed you can't be happy, smile, or laugh, that you can't have good days. This is not true. With depression there tends to be more bad days than good days. Depression is not anyone’s fault, it is caused by the chemicals in their brain. A person with depression has a chemical imbalance. Depression can often lead to other mental illnesses such as anxiety, dysthymia, and antisocial behavior. 15% of teens with depression will develop bipolar disorder later in their life. If depression goes untreated it will only fester and worsen.

 

But why is this current high school and college generation so depressed?

 

Experts point to a myriad of possible causes. One of the frontrunners is the modern lifestyle. Technology is king nowadays. Between smart phones, the boom of internet and social media, video games, and more TV channels than one can count, today's youth are pulled away and isolated from certain societal influences and experiences needed to develop and cope that past generations were exposed to. With the abundance of communication via technology, the amount of cyber bullying occurring has exploded in recent years, which is just another factor to depression and suicide. 16% of high school students say they have been cyberbullied in some form of email, instant messaging, social media sites, or texting. 20% said they had been bullied at school. "What happens with an increase in communication among students is that there's more pressure.” Dr. Hector Adames, a neuropsychologist, said. “[Then] there's more bullying," Victims of bullying are 2-9 times more like to consider suicide. On average there are 160,000 students every day who stay home from school to avoid being bullied.

 

The media is constantly berating youth with mixed messages like: you have to look and act a certain way to be beautiful and therefore liked and accepted, but nobody will like you if you don't accept and love yourself the way you are. The media tells you to feel good and happy, but lately on social media sites the current cool fad has been mental illnesses like depression and anxiety disorders because it makes you "unique".

 

Some people are predisposed to mental illnesses due family history, chronic diseases and physical conditions, and family/home problems like divorce. Females are also twice as likely to become depressed as males; the media’s affect and target on young females is the presumed leading cause for the gap in depression between the sexes. However, males are less likely to seek help, society norms and ideals of gender and masculinity are named to be the main reason why.

 

Stress is a major factor as well. Today, there are five to eight times more students in high school and college who have depression and/or anxiety issues than in the Great Depression era. Since the 1960's suicide rates have almost tripled.

Unrealistic expectations from all aspects of life have youth feeling more stressed, hopeless, and helpless.
"Teens think they are invincible ... when they feel psychological pain, they are more apt to feel overwhelmed by helplessness and [believe they] have no control..." said Tony Jurich, a professor at Kansas State University.
Jurich also believes with the amount of technology running people's daily lives today there is a divide between the family dynamic of years past. Not every child is taught or experiences the skills they need for coping with stressful situations.

Environmental toxins and current diets of such highly processed food may be small contributions as well.

 

With the help of adults and other teens alike, there is hope. Wake up, open your eyes, and know the signs of depression:

 

• low self-esteem
• sadness and/or hopelessness
• sluggish/drowsy
• spending more time alone, withdrawing from friends and family
• sleeping more, even when not tired
• physical ailments such as aches, pains, and headaches
• substance abuse
• new or worsening problems in school or at work
• lack of motivation
• decreases in loved activities/interests
• increased interest or talks about death/suicide
• not caring about appearance or dramatic changes in appearance
• changes in eating/sleeping patterns
• forgetfulness
• running away from home

 

While it is important to know the signs of depression, it doesn’t matter if anyone doesn’t do anything about it. Talk to them, seek out help.

 

80% of depressed teens can be successfully treated if they receive the right help and treatment. Treatment can include medication, therapy, mediation, or care from medical providers. Depression will usually respond to treatment, however very deep depression may persist and can have recurring episodes throughout a patient’s lifetime.

 

“There's nothing, repeat, nothing to be ashamed of when you're going through a depression. If you get help, the chances of your liking it are really good. But, you have to get yourself onto a safe path.” – Mike Wallace, 60 Minutes news anchor.

Revamps and New Beginnings

Greetings all!

My, it has been a while sine I have used blogger. A few years ago, this was mainly a spot for me to ramble and share some of my writing. Well, it went dead and I've decided to revive it. So, ta-da!

I will still post writing and photography, and of course, it just wouldn't be mine if I didn't have rambling posts about nothing every now and then. But, I am also introducing DIY's. Yay! I have really gotten into more crafty stuff lately, especially since I have time to actually do stuff. Along with my DIY's, I will preview what I am selling and will be adding to my Etsy shop.

For any new guests, I'll give a brief description of myself. Firstly, my name is Ally. I am on a constant journey of self-creation. I just graduated high school, I am taking a gap year this year, meaning, I am not going to college this year, but I will next year. I am going to use this year to works and save up money, and hopefully doing some traveling and volunteering. Oh, and working on lots of cool things to sell in my Etsy shop. I am planning to go to Art Institute of Kansas City for advertising and graphic design. After college, I hope to get a job in the marketing department of a human rights cooperation or organization. I am a hardcore feminist and a huge supporter of gay rights (and human rights in general). I am a type one diabetic and have been since the age of seven. I have two dogs (beagles) and a cat. I love to write. Sometimes short stories, but mainly poetry when I have the muse for it. I love the arts in all forms.
Anything else you want to know about me, feel free to ask!

Since I haven't posted anything in a while, I ended up just removing all my old posts. But, luckily for you, I am going to post some of my writings from the past year. Mainly poetry and a couple articles I wrote for my journalism class this spring. So enjoy!



Create yourself!
Ally